


he died in a tree from which he wouldn't come down

by seraf



Series: fundamentally people [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Autistic Character, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, Kaito tries his best, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Ultimate Talent Development Plan (Dangan Ronpa), Unlikely duo, it's kiyo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 17:15:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19750201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seraf/pseuds/seraf
Summary: one day, the dam will have to break. it always does. such is the way of things.kiyo has a long-overdue fit of hysteria, and kaito tries to help.





	he died in a tree from which he wouldn't come down

at this point, he’s not even surprised anymore, finding kiyo on the roof. it just seems right.

kiyo doesn’t look in his direction, eyes unfocused, drifting from star to star aimlessly, like some celestial traveller. his fingers grip the edge of the wall so tightly that kaito can almost imagine how white his knuckles are, even through the bandages.

he’s precariously on the edge.

given how thin he is, and the way he hunches over, hair tossed by the wind teasingly in the direction of the void, it seems like if kaito tapped him on the back right now, he’d fall off.

he’s careful not to do that.

instead, he sits next to him, facing inwards, towards the roof ( towards safety ) and rests a grounding hand on his shoulder, almost trying to push him back, just a little.these meetings . . . they’re really the only times he ever talks to kiyo. he wonders if the anthropologist is always so fixated on death, or if their paths just cross at the moments where he’s most likely to have it on his mind.

when he speaks, it’s sudden, and kaito jumps.

‘ am i really . . . so bad a person? ‘ his voice is raspy and melodic as ever, but the note of _otherness_ that’s always there is . . . subdued. for once, kaito is hyperaware of the fact that they’re just the same age, a few teenagers sitting on the roof of their school. kiyo’s an eighteen year old, no more, no less. and by the sound of his voice, by the way his eyebrows draw together, a troubled one.

‘ what do you mean? ‘ he asks, and kiyo turns to him.

( he’s still not looking at him. he’s looking down at his knees, slowly peeling apart the thread that makes up the linen wrappings around his hands. something is undeniably _off_ with him today - he looks like a balloon someone let the air out of. his shoulders curl around himself, form a defensive wall. )

‘ i am an unnerving person, ‘ he says, voice bell-clear in the quiet of the school at night, ‘ and . . . i know that. but does that really . . . ‘ he splays his hands out on his shallow thighs, fingers curling and then relaxing. ‘ does that really mean i am so incapable of - so _unworthy_ of having friends? ‘ his voice is so quiet that kaito barely thinks he heard him right.

he doesn’t know what to say.

that seems to be fine with kiyo, as he just continues to speak, looking at his hands, turning them over slowly as if he can’t quite believe they’re attached to his arms. ‘ i do not . . . i don’t want to be dishonest with myself. with the few things that i’ve found an interest in, that motivate me to keep studying humanity, to keep _observing_ and learning, rather than ending my own life. but nobody else . . . finds the joy in it that i do, and when i try and share my interests, i find too often that i make people uncomfortable. ‘

kaito can’t hear the deep breath he presumably takes, but he can see it, in the rising of his chest and the low shuddering of his shoulders. ‘ am i really so bad? i consider everyone in our class my friends, and it is true that . . . that you are the closest friends i have ever had, but i am . . . an aberration to you. spending time with me is an obligation at best, a horrifying ordeal at worst, if not just something to be avoided altogether. i am not . . . i am not part of the group. i know this. i want to be, and i speak of myself and of you as though i am, but i . . . am not that socially unaware. ‘

finally, finally, his eyes turn to kaito, as if pleading for any sort of guidance - reassurance, maybe, or just the final nail in his coffin.

‘ we don’t hate you, kiyo, ‘ he says, voice rough as he tries to make it low and soft, hand still resting heavy on his shoulder. ‘ we don’t. you’re just . . . you can be strange, you know? ‘

he thinks with a bit of guilt about the times he’s gone above and beyond to pass on the job of delivering a message to kiyo’s dorm room or lab or something to someone else, of the times he’s joked with miu or kaede that kiyo is a serial killer, at the blatant discomfort he’s shown for his off-kilter femininity. about how miu called him fucked up from head-to-toe, how himiko, mild himiko, had agreed.

‘ i know, ‘ kiyo says curtly. ‘ but . . . so are the rest of you, and yet there’s a place for you, and for ryoma and rantaro and angie, and even miu and kokichi. their quirks are . . . sufferable. mine - mine are not. ‘

kaito . . . honestly doesn’t know what to do. he can be insensitive or bad in these kinds of situations at the best of times, and this is not one of the best of times. kiyo is a matroishka doll of enigma. instead, he just looks down, squeezes his shoulder, and tries to change the topic to something that might get him on another path. ‘ well . . . maybe just - you like humanity, right? why not just . . . try and emulate some of the things you find beautiful there? ‘

kiyo laughs, and it’s hollow and high-pitched and sounds like someone raking their nails down glass, and it almost makes kaito shudder. hysterical. that’s a good word for it. just a little bit off-beat, just two steps to the side of okay.

‘ you misunderstand me, kaito, ‘ he says, voice rife with . . . amusement? yes, that’s it, but there’s something different about it than his usual fascination with humanity. it’s a dark sort of amusement, directed internally. ‘ i am . . . hm. let me try and briefly summarize some of the features of humanity that i feel exist at the core of the species. the ever-present will to survive, and to keep fighting. the sense of individuality, of independence. the deep bonds humans form with each other. ‘

he’s hugging himself again, sharp fingertips sending creases running through his uniform with how deep they dig into his arms.

‘ now . . . note the pattern here, kaito, ‘ he says, strange kind of gleam in his eye.

‘ i don’t . . . i don’t get it, ‘ kaito says, a little preturbed by whatever path kiyo is finding himself down now - down a road kaito isn’t so sure he can follow. they’re very different people, and kiyo seems to be riding that right to the rails, now.

‘ of course. ‘ kiyo murmurss, staring at his knees again and his arms tight around himself. ‘ kaito, i have no sense of individuality. of self-definition. the person i am is a direct cause of someone else. i don’t _want_ my life. this is not even the first time you’ve come across me contemplating how to end it.and i am . . . anthropologists are observers, by nature. i have no social bounds. i am . . . alone. i am alone. ‘ he turns his head towards kaito, and there’s something _desperate_ there, like he just wants kaito to get it. please, please, to understand. ‘ do you understand, kaito? i love humanity because they are so many things that i am _not._ because i am - because you are right! because you are all right! ‘ he’s holding himself now, and shuddering, face a concerning sort of pale. ‘ i am - i am not close enough, good enough, to be human, i am _other,_ and that is perhaps why you are all repulsed by me, i am not - i - ‘

his breath is turning to wheezing now, hands to fists that clench at nothing in the cloth of his uniform, and he begins chanting an odd mantra in a higher voice as he rocks back and forth.

‘ _you mustn’t waver you mustn’t stutter you mustn’t lose composure you mustn’t become flustered you mustn’t raise your voice you mustn’t waver you mustn’t lose composure you mustn’t raise your voice! be calm, korekiyo! you mustn’t - ‘_

and kaito slaps him.

he’ll admit it, whatever kiyo was saying was starting to scare him - the way his eyes were blank and almost a little more hooded, a little darker, than before, but also kiyo looked completely out of it. he needed to snap him back to the world, and so he did what first came to mind, and just - slapped him, hard, across the cheek, leaving a dark red mark on one cheekbone.

kiyo looks . . . almost stunned, and for a moment,his expression contorts into an almost inhuman rage, and he hisses out _‘ APOLOGIZE! apologize, apologize -_ ‘ in that same eerie higher voice before he physically shakes himself, eyes slowly becoming less fazed.

‘ . . . don’t - don’t do that. ‘ he tells kaito, bandaged fingers gently nursing his cheek.

‘ well - shit, ‘ kaito replies, rubbing the back of his neck a little awkwardly, ‘ i didn’t . . . i didn’t know how else to snap you out of it, and you were really starting to freak out, you know? ‘

‘ perhaps, ‘ kiyo says with an incline of his head, ‘ but you have to learn that hitting people for things they can’t control is . . . hardly a fair reaction. you did the same to shuichi, and ryoma. ‘

‘ it helped shuichi! ‘ kaito argues.

‘ it _seemed_ like it did, ‘ kiyo says, still rubbing his sore cheek, before letting his hand drop back into his lap. ‘ forced suppression of one’s issues is hardly a cure. one day the dam will have to break. ‘

anger rises in kaito’s chest, but he forces it down, remains calm. as best he can, anyway. he gestures sharply at kiyo. ‘ well, it’s not like you’re one to talk! how long have you been keeping all of that bottled up? you’re no fucking example of health, you know. ‘

kiyo’s hands turn to tight-packed fists. ‘ who would i tell? ‘ he bursts out. ‘ i don’t know how _dense_ your head must be, momota, but the fact of the matter remains that you, you and the rest of our class hate me!i have no _choice_ in the matter, because the fundamental base of my personhood is one that is easily dislikable! ‘ he turns around again, faces off the edge of the wall, and all kaito can see now is his fingers, trembling as they dig into his shoulders.

it’s like he’s hugging himself.

kaito had always found it weird, that gesture of kiyo’s. he’d thought it was a gesture like he could barely contain his glee, hugging himself for his love of humanity or whatever, but . . . he realizes now that it’s something like security. given what kiyo says, it’s not like anyone else has grounded him in a long, long time.

when he acts, it’s on impulse.

like he’s done for shuichi or for maki a hundred times over, he just suddenly reaches out and _holds_ the anthropologist, squeezing him once in a brief sort of thing. ( manly, he tells himself. meant to be reassuring. you know. )

kiyo is stiff as a board in his arms.

he can feel him trembling, and for a moment wonders if this was a bad choice, as kiyo squirms a little to give him an incredulous look, eyes contorted in an expression kaito doesn’t think he’s seen on him anytime before.

but it’s like kiyo said.

one day, the dam will have to break.

slowly, like the waves of gravity coming for a tree half-felled, kiyo just _droops,_ the tension unfurling from his spine, until his forehead crashes onto kaito’s shoulder. he’s still awkwardly stiff, like he’s not sure what to do with his body in this sort of situation, but it’s something. it’s a start. ( kaito wonders how the hell he got to the point in his life where he was hugging kiyo on the school roof at midnight, but he feels kiyo’s breath, still jerky and uneven, now hiccuping just a little, like a choked-down sob, and resolves that it’s not _so_ bad. )

‘ you’re . . . kinda lonely, huh, ‘ he says out to the empty roof, more to himself than anything else. a realization. a revelation. kiyo never sits with their group at meals, nor is he ever invited. kaito has no idea when his birthday is, despite helping throw parties for the other members of his class already this year. he has no idea what kiyo does when the school day ends - he kind of just assumed he walked around still watching everyone.

‘ i cannot - i cannot be, ‘ kiyo says, but his words sound empty. ‘ the one i - she is, the one i love most is - with me. always. ‘

‘ yeah, sure, ‘ kaito says, not really ready to open that can of worms right now, ‘ but that doesn’t mean you’re not gonna just want someone to talk to or lean on every so often, man. ‘

for a second, there’s a wet spot on his shoulder, bleeding through his coat, and kiyo is tellingly silent, before finally drawing back, out of the hug. ‘ i .. . ‘ he looks down, and away, and scrubs at his eyes once with the heel of his palm. ‘ you may . . . unfortunately be correct. it is not . . . . it’s not your problem to remedy, though. i will - i will be fine. ‘

‘ nah, ‘ kaito says, and slaps him on the shoulder once - not slapping, just - a friendly sort of pat, ‘ you’re our friend, aren’t you? kinda makes it our business. ‘ he pretends not to notice the look of gratitude shining in kiyo’s eyes for a moment, at his words. it wouldn’t be very manly of him to point that out.

( he doesn’t point it out tomorrow, either, when he sees it again, calling kiyo over to their table to come eat with them. )

**Author's Note:**

> this is . . . kinda a personal fic. i dont know if anyone'll read it, honestly. but - i was and still am the autistic kid who's stuck as the weird kid, the one no one talks to because they talk too much or it's too dark or so on and so forth. 
> 
> it's . . . achingly lonely. 
> 
> a lot of stuff in the kiyo tag lately has been writing him as over the top creepy or straight up evil. he's a character i relate to quite a bit for a few different reasons, so it kinda got to me. i wanted to write something where he gets to actually acknowledge some of his issues for once, however shortly. 
> 
> leave a comment/etc if you enjoyed.


End file.
